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Aliens, Ghosts, and Bigfoot Are All Stupid.

I will come right out and say it: I don’t believe in ghosts, monsters, or aliens. I won’t 100% say that they don’t exist. I don’t believe that they exist. However, I do believe in Bigfoot. That might sound strange to some of you, but I have personally seen Bigfoot a few years back. I was living in Texas at the time. It was just after dusk when I saw Bigfoot emerge and begin driving around the dirt-covered convention center floor. I also saw Gravedigger and The Truckasaurus that night.

Bigfoot in his natural habitat.

Bigfoot in his natural habitat.

I have many friends and colleagues that do believe in these things. Some have even gone as far as starting up their own investigation business. I don’t put these people down. If they can make a living investigating supernatural occurrences, more power to them. I would open my own, but I am pretty sure that all of my investigations would end with my dog and I ripping the rubber mask off of Old Man Jenkins as he screams about meddling kids.

But I digress…

While I don’t believe, I am open to the possibility. There are things that I don’t know. There are things that I don’t understand. I guess you could say that I am a skeptic.But I wish that I wasn’t. I love stories and movies about these probably mythical creatures.

Like Mulder, “I want to believe.” I would love if we lived in a world where ghosts were real, where Bigfoot was found, and where aliens visited us. If these things were real, so many other things could be real as well. If ghosts could be real and haunting places, then we could have actual Ghostbusters. If Bigfoot were stomping around the forests of the Pacific Northwest, then why not werewolves, vampires, and swamp creatures? If aliens have actually visited us and there was intelligent life out there…then maybe a long, long time ago there actually was a galaxy far, far away. If there were such a thing as actual magic then there must be a school that teaches said magic so therefore there must be a Hogwart’s.

A ghost...

A ghost…

As it is, I don’t think that there are any of these. I believe that the lights you saw in the sky were swamp gasses or a weather balloon. The thing you saw walking through the forest was a bear or even a person. The cold area you feel in an old house is more than likely just a draft. There are no vampires, werewolves, zombies, swamp monsters, or goblins either. Those that have had encounters with these beings, creatures, and entities seem to already believe in them. That’s why their minds immediately come to a conclusion clouded by their beliefs. “A cold spot in a drafty old house? Must be a ghost.”

At least the movie Ghost was real...even if we wish it had not been.

At least the movie Ghost was real…even if we wish it had not been.

I might be wrong though. I hate being wrong and would like to know as soon as possible. If you have proof that there are any aliens, ‘squatches, or ghosts, let me know. We can discuss it here. Hit me up. I am setting up my own investigation group, the North American Paranormal Science and Research Foundation of North America, or N.A.P.S.A.R.F.O.N.A. You can reach us at NAPSARFONA@ndgifford.com. While I don’t believe in these things, you might. I will listen to you and not be a dick to you about them.

Unless you are one of these creatures.

If you are an actual ghost, alien, or squatch reading this, I am calling you out. I would love to hear from you. I will give equal time to ghouls and goblins as well. But I don’t think I will and there are two possible reasons for that, AND ONLY TWO.

1. As a ghost, alien, or Bigfoot you are too stupid to know how to read this post, let alone compose a coherent thought.

or

2. You don’t exist.

The balls are in your court, fake beings. You have one week to comply.