All Nerdoms Editor's Picks Fantasy

Lord of the R.I.N.G(s)

Dear all,

I know that Tolkien is sacred, but personally I think that a comic take on his epic trilogy should exist and can produce quality. This is my take on the tale, the PROLOGUE. More is to come and I planned this as a series of short stories that condense the narrative of the original into weekly chunks.
Hope you like it.

Best,

Alex

 

Lord of the R.I.N.G(s)

PROLOGUE

Middle Earth is consumed. Middle Earth is faltering under the great darkness that has set out to once again cut a crimson swath in the ranks of the peoples. There are cold turkeys about and they are really cold.

The Dukes of Middle Earth had the plan laid down evenly in terms of planting and distribution. The humans in their fertile fields under the most barren of suns had the Nine Weed Seeds to call their own. Each of the strands being more glorious than the first and each with its own specific high to suit the most precarious of smokers. Men as the most fertile of peoples had the most fertile of drugs. The Nine Dukes of Green had their place in the sun.

The Seven midgets, sorry, Dwarves remained secluded in their mines. There they hammer away at Methril, the base stone sediment which is used for creating Methamphetamine. The Seven Smiths of Grey destroy their stone to create new stone which the consumer can enjoy in many a fashion; from smoking, chewing, grinding and snorting, to the specialty of dwarves called the Meth Hammer of High Doom.

Lastly, the Three Wise Elves of White, the dukes of cocaine. In their thick forests and under their domes of elder glass the elves tend to their small fields of poppy from which they extract cocaine in accordance to centuries of tradition and experience. They pack it in Lembas bread for on-the way-consumption and mass distribution while the most potent of the drugs is reserved for their kind and their kind alone.

The Hobbits are the mules of the kingdom and operate on a shareholder basis as they are mostly paid by a cut of the product. The Hobbits are too much of a happy-go-lucky kind to bother with politics. And the Wizards, they remain an enigma of the Middle Earth drug trade as their powers stem from something more otherworldly than that available to the normal inhabitant. They keep their secrets locked tighter than a virgin asshole and show off every chance they get because “look at what we can do bitches”.

Alas, Middle Earth is stirring. From Mirkwood to the deepest mines, from the elysian fields of Rohan to the Deep forests of Lothlorien, even the Hobbits can feel it and the Wizards’ beards are tingling around like seaweed.

He is returning, the Dark Lord of the R.I.N.G. from Mordor where no drug can grow. During the War of the Rings he made the R.I.N.G. (revolutionary inventive new gurd, because saying drug was banned at the time) Sauron made the ultimate drug to battle all drugs and sought to be the sole ruler of Middle Earth. One drug to bind all production, one drug to rule all distribution. Nevertheless, he failed and the R.I.N.G. had gone missing.

Evil is afoot. Sauron wants his drugs back and he’s been on cold turkey long enough.