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If I Were to Cast American Gods…

Vin DieselShadowVin Diesel
Why this guy?
The part of Shadow was written for Vin Diesel. Mr. Neil Gaiman has said as much, and it’s the perfect role for the guy: All he has to do is wander around, look confused, and not talk much.

 

 

Anthny HopkinsMr. WednesdayAnthony Hopkins
Why this guy?
Every role Anthony Hopkins plays is gold. Perhaps not the movie, but his portrayal is spot on… that and he’s already gotten some practice with the part… [spoilers]

 

 

Amy AdamsLauraAmy Adams
Why this girl?
I have always wanted to see Amy Adams in a role where she wasn’t all innocent and sweet. This is pretty much covered in the role of Shadows wife.

 

 

Karel RodenCzernobogKarel Roden
Why this guy?
Why the hell not? He looks and sounds the part and, hey guess what, he’s actually from an area that would have paid homog to Czernobog.

 

 

Danny GloverMr. NancyDanny Glover
Why this guy?
Danny Glover has earned this role. To play one of the quintessential trickster gods from the African continent is an honor that can only be bestowed either on him or on Morgan Freeman, and I want Morgan Freeman to narrate anything that needs to be narrated. Pretty much ever.

 

Stanley TucciMr. IbisStanley Tucci
Why this guy?
I love Stanley Tucci. The guy can play whatever he wants, whenever he wants, however he wants, and I’ll still enjoy it.

 

 

 

Arnold VoslooMr. JaquelArnold Vosloo
Why this guy?
I found some measure of irony in the Mummy playing Anubis. That’s pretty much it.

 

 

 

Tilda SwintonEasterTilda Swinton
Why this girl?
Tilda Swinton, in my opinion, is one of the greatest female character actors of our time, and while Easter is not a huge character bit, I think Ms. Swinton can make it so.

 

 

IgloolikMad SweeneyBilly Connolly
Why this guy?
Who else could pull it off?

 

 

 

Tom JacksonWhiskey JackTom Jackson
Why this guy?
Tom Jackson has played many roles over the years, and he keeps cropping up in the strangest of films. He has not worked much in the last few years (he is 65), but this would be a very deep and meaningful role and a great addition to his career.

 

Jeff BridgesJohn ChapmanJeff Bridges
Why this guy?
Jeff Bridges has become a good character actor in the latter part of his life, and has been cast in roles of gritty, crusty characters. I know him to be capable of playing down to earth, all-American types, and I want to see it. So here you go.

 

 

Benedict CumberbatchLow-Key LyesmithBenedict Cumberbatch
Why this guy?
I know what you’re thinking. Sherlock? Really? But after seeing his performance in Star Trek: Into Darkness, I know him more than capable of playing this role. I’d give it to Tom Hiddleston, but that would be just being predictable wouldn’t it?

 

Patton OswaltThe Technical BoyPatton Oswalt
Why this guy?
Patton Oswalt has more geek cred than any human being alive for this 8-minute ad-libbed rant alone: Star Wars Filibuster. He wins.

 

 

'The Late Show with David Letterman', New York, America - 30 Apr 2007MediaKirsten Dunst
Why this girl?
Kirsten Dunst is lovely, talented, and extremely capable and self-assured, everything she would need to play this role.

 

 

Hugo WeavingMr. TownHugo Weaving
Why this guy?
Hugo Weaving should play every bad guy ever. EVER I TELL YOU! Plus, y’know, the Matrix.

 

 

Karl UrbanMr. StoneKarl Urban
Why this guy?
Have you seen this guy in a suit? Seriously? Because heterosexual male that I am, I would still have rampant homosexual intercourse with this man so long as he was wearing a suit. Just rip a hole in the trousers and go to town.

 

 

Will SmithMr. WoodWill Smith
Why this guy?
Um… Men in Black anyone? Neil Gaiman based his spooks on the Men in Black concept.

 

 

Tommy Lee JonesMr. RoadTommy Lee Jones
Why this guy?
See above, but add “bitches” to it.

 

 

 

If there is another intellectual property you want me to cast, please e-mail nerdglaze@gmail.com.


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