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Because Boobs

By Adam Gottfried

         Ladies and gentleman, I am going to talk about some things that are very near and dear to our hearts, for some of us literally…. They are both functional and decorative, nice to see, nice to touch, and the obsession of many men and women across the globe. It matters not if you are gay, straight, transsexual or really just like cross-dressing, they are wonderful, wonderful things. Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to talk about. BOOBS. Boobies, tits, gazoongas, knockers, BREASTS.

Now before you go switching off on me, hear me out. Since many nerdy pursuits are now considered mainstream, there has been a significant influx of the fairer sex into what has traditionally been a male-dominated subculture. Dungeons and Dragons isn’t just for socially inept virgins anymore, folks. Or rather, it is, but this time the socially inept virgin might not be male.

It has been my experience that a lot of guys are threatened by women who, you know, have an opinion about stuff that they like. So when a woman close to them (I’m talking about proximity here, as much as interpersonal relationships) suddenly asks about, knows about, shows interest in something that they like, they grow defensive. This causes them to lash out in different ways. Some just get catatonic, some get angry, but some, not many by regional standards but enough to make some noise lash out using sexist epithets about the “weaker” sex. These are the same folks that spew uneducated rage across the Internet, talk trash on xBox Live, and are generally loudmouth jackholes wherever they go.

Late in 2012, a huge deal was made about the “fake” geek-girl. Just in case you missed it, here’s a few articles:

Fanboy News Netwrk


The Mary Sue

In summary, some short-sighted, mouth-breathing jackanapes were making a stink about the girls who showed up at their convention in costume NOT knowing EVERY SINGLE DETAIL about the character or fandom they represented. It seems that for someone to call themselves a fan of a particular intellectual property, they must know every single detail about that fandom. What strikes me as odd is that if a mainstream dude that knew nothing about Star Wars showed up in a remotely accurate costume of Han Solo, no one would give a damn. If there is such a creature as a “fake geek” it would come in both genders.

Here’s the thing: Some guys have taken this mangling of the facts as permission to verbally harass these women. Now, don’t get me wrong: Many of these women are putting themselves out there in barely any clothing and their pretty much EVERYTHING is out there for the world to see, so it is not a matter of simply LOOKING. Power Girl has a boob window: Anatomically accurate cosplayer has a boob window: I’m going to look. It is expected. But there is a difference between LOOKING and OGLING. Here, allow me to assist.

LOOKING is the present participle for LOOK.

LOOK has multiple meanings, but as an interactive verb, it is defined as:

a)   To exercise the power of vision: to see

b)   To direct one’s attention

c)   To direct the eyes

OGLING: To glance with amorous invitation or challenge.

Do you see the difference? I’m not pulling these out of my butthole, I looked this up on the Merriam-Webster site.

It gets worse than that. Some guys think that because a woman dresses that way, it is just as okay for them to touch. Take this jerk for example. He films himself walking up to mostly random women and touching their breasts on film. He does so with permission, but this is definitely NOT the impression given by the video, particularly the slap he gets at 1:57. This only fuels the fire.

So here comes the lecture. Hey assholes! Hands off! Women are not objects, women’s bodies are theirs and theirs alone, and just because YOU might get off and some random chick touching you on the twig and giggleberries doesn’t mean the feeling is mutual. That is called SEXUAL HARASSMENT and that is ILLEGAL! It isn’t funny, it isn’t cute, it isn’t flirtation; it’s rude, it’s awful, and it’s an awfully good way to get slapped, punched, or kicked in the penis with 6-inch stiletto heels.

Boobs are nice, but they have women attached to them and those women might not be pleased that you’re sitting there making them feel like a piece of meat. So guys, please, please stop. Seriously. It’s not cool.  These women are our mothers, sisters, daughters, wives, but most importantly people. Respect is the watchword here, folks. Time was, mistreat a lady and get killed, killed with a sword. How weird is that?

So be kind to our Y-chromosomally challenged bros. Because boobs.